Dear Windows users - please keep using Windows.

Or

Mac snobbery taken to its only logical, rational conclusion.

I don't want windows users buying or using Macs. or iPhones. I guess if you need an iPod, that's fine.. but that's it.

Really.

I don't want Windows users using Apple products because they are

• dimwitted
• cheap
• have no taste or style
• lack a basic understanding of the difference between cost and value
• have no concern about their lives, as they gladly piss them away installing anti-virus software, anti-spyware software, firewall software, and running Windows Update.

More to the point: They don't care. I do. So don't come over here.

For starters, they go into Apple Store and clog up the genius bar with their iPhone/Dell (not HP)* desktop computer problems. This means that i have to wait for them and their stupid, ignorant questions while i have a legitimate problem with my MacPro's shitty ATI x1900 video card.

Then they always seem to have a slight air about them that smacks of "well, yeah, while I'll give you the iPhone is infinitely better that all other cell phones, but i see no way that could translate when it comes to computers. I'm going home to drop my Packard Bell on my head because Macs are too expensive"

Look, I joined this cult BECAUSE it was NOT 95% compatible with the rest of the world. I joined it because they were (sorry) DIFFERENT. The screens were fscking amazing (21" Apple Trinitron on a IIci vs. Commodore 1702 on an Amiga 500). The mice fscking worked. And I saw QuickTime 1.0 playing video... VIDEO!?!?!? on a computer screen.

So, please, Windows users. I beg of you. You're happy where you are, I'm happy where I am. You would be more happy using a Mac (unless you use your computer to develop Windows programs), but I seriously doubt it matters that much to you because you're a freaking moron when it comes to computers.

So please - go away and use your superior Windows ... er... Dell computers.

*(Because there's no fscking difference between a Dell and an HP running windows, you twit - yet you'd never know it talking to a windows user)

Pet peeves

Let me just list now my pet peeves, so you'll know, and we'll proceed.

1. "I could care less". really? I couldn't care less! Wait... actually, it drives me crazy.

2. People who have computers which don't have covers on them, or the covers are on infrequently because "I upgrade my computer a lot".

Listen, mini-Woz... you're not inventing the computer, you're not designing a computer. You're just pissing away your life going to Fry's buying components that were made to slip simply into sockets on that motherboard you have mounted with shipping foam and tape while you use words like "build".

In fact, you probably can't put the cover back on because it got bent when you came in with the 5th new videocard its had in a Fry's bag and were too excited to avoid kicking it. Its this simple

If your computer isn't covered, you're not using your computer.

Your computer is using you.

So just put the damn cover back on your 9-tray tower machine with 1 hard drive in it, and clean your basement like your mom told you to, okay?

3. Irregardless. Regardless of your inability to see double negatives as a problem, I couldn't care less.

4. Change for the sake of change. Example: "Why has the networking control panel changed location, the means by which to find it, and the number of preceeding "wizards" prior to finally making it to the networking control panel in Windows 95, 2000, XP, and Vista? Oh, for the sake of change!" Thanks, Microsoft!

Look, do what your mom told you... leave crap where and how you found it, unless there's a good reason to move it or change it. Otherwise, you're just proving you have ADD.

5. Ugliness for the sake of being ugly. Example: Every computer Dell has ever made. Seriously, why buy something that is ugly if you don't have to? Are you that cheap that you'll buy the ugly one just because its a buck cheaper? Wow.

So, yes, this means i'm in a real pickle... in fact, I can't even talk about the 2008 Impreza WRX... so don't ask me about it, okay? And better yet, don't mention the 2008 Lancer and how bitchin it looks, okay? In fact, just drop the whole subject.

6. People that permanently move to state/country X, but plaster their cars with shit from the state or country they used to live in. I'm talking to you, stupid Texas wanker... if Texas was so damn great, why in the hell did you move to Colorado? This goes for morons with "Guadalajara" bumper stickers as well. Your country is a 3rd world disaster that makes Mexico look like some utopia out of Star Trek.

At least Californians, for the most part, have the decency to just move here and live here and leave it at that. So just take the fscking orange bull's horns off your back window and the 35 Texas DOT stickers along the inside of your windshield off on your jacked-up-too-high Ford F-250, okay, Tex?

7. Germans.

8. Euros.

9. Soccer. Call me when you have unlimited personnel changes on the fly, the freaking offside rule (running away from the play is a legit way to get someone offside? Nice) gets fixed, and you crack down on the crybaby "he kicked me in the shin, and now i'm going to die" crap... and *maybe* i'll think about watching your dumbass sport.

Until then, its 20 guys out on a walk with 2 guys running and kicking a ball.

(yes, i'm saying if soccer was more like hockey, it would be better. Well? Wouldn't it?)

Its not a computer - its a choice.

Some good friends and i were talking about cars. They noted we have Subarus, and i told them it was because we live in Colorado, and where we live, it snows quite heavily at times, and having AWD doesn't make you invincible, but it does give you more capability. They're reliable, and what the hell - my STi does have the uniqueness of being fast as hell and simultaneously bitchen as an off-road rally car when the bad stuff hits. We noted that our previous cars (in the horrible state of ShallNotBeNamed) were always Hondas and we liked them, but pragmatically, we now drive Subarus.

They then proceeded to tell the tale of their former Honda Accord. In 3 years, they had to put in a new transmission, new electrics when the stereo died, and when left in a bad rainstorm, they came back to find the back seats mangled when the windows had let in the rain - even though it was closed. They noted that while many people did fine with Hondas, their experience was enough for them to never go back.

Did you find this tale at all interesting? I hope not.

No... the boring story boils down to - they bought a Honda, it was crap, and they're never going to buy a Honda again unless something radical changes their mind.

So - here's my point.

If the SAME converation was computer related - Windows/Mac and not Honda/Toyota - there would be cries of zealotry, cultish activities, Steve Jobs worshipping - the lot.

And that is fscking annoying.

Today, another new article comes out about another problem with Windows Vista... something about networking and music listening.. or something..

http://it.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=07/08/21/1441240

Here we are - the world is full of people that have absolute horror stories about Windows. Yet, its a truism that there's fsck all you can do about it other than buy newer versions of Microsoft software spend money on adware blockers and virus blockers and the whole lot.

I have never heard of another product with such a bad rap that gets a complete pass every single day. Each time a person at work tells you a tale of woe, they go back again, and again, and again... and each time, they end up in exactly the same place. Isn't that the definition of "insanity"?

My journey to computer liberation came and ended in a single day, 3 years ago. After reinstalling Windows on my parents' computer for the "i have no idea"th time, i literally drove to the Apple store that day, bought a Mac mini, came back and put it on the table with the following ultimatum.

"I will help you with your computer if you use *this* computer. I will not help you with Windows any more."

The first month was rough getting them into how the Mac operated differently than Windows, but after about 6 months, the calls were coming in about 1 every 6 weeks. Now, i can think of only two times this whole year my mom has called and asked me a computer-related question... and, in fact, one of those was an iPod question... so its really only 1 time in 9 months.

....

Today, I look at and deal with Windows users like i look at bull riders. Let me tell you how i look at bull riders.

1. I don't know anything about bull riding. I do know that the pro bull riding association shares a acronym with Pabst Blue Ribbon, and that's no coincidence.
2. I'm sure bull riders enjoy bull riding, but I'm okay not having anything to do with bull riding. I'm just not interested - please don't bother me with anything bull riding related stories or problems.
3. If a bull rider tells me he got kicked in the head or a horn in the spine and were paralyzed, I pretty much don't care because - dude, you RODE a fscking BULL! Be glad i'm not thinking that you deserved it.

Now, let me tell you how i look at Windows users.

1. I don't know anything about Windows. I do know that every so often, Microsoft gets a Windows version name really really right: "wince". I also know that if YouTube spoofs of your product announcements are way better than your actual announcement, you need a new ad agency. And maybe better products too.
2. I'm sure Windows users enjoy using Windows, but i'm okay with not having anything to do with Windows. I'm not interested - please don't bother me with your Windows-related problems and issues.
3. If a Windows user tells me he got kicked in the head... sorry... that he got adware that he couldn't get rid of, or that network performance seems to go down when they listen to music or that new Vista-ready videocards cost $1000, i pretty much don't care because dude, you chose to buy a Dell and YOU CHOSE TO USE WINDOWS.

And really, that's the whole point of my post.

The next time someone bitches to you about anything related to Windows problems.. be them viruses, or media playback, or problems with Vista, or anything - remember the bullrider in the wheelchair. Riding a bull or not riding a bull is a choice as equally easy to make as buying a Windows computer and not buying a Windows computer.

What may be the most irritating thing about Windows users - and this is not a joke, this actually happens - is that they'll have a computer go totally to hell with spyware and viruses, and their soultion is to buy ANOTHER, NEW Windows computer.

Why is it called "common sense" if you don't buy another Honda after you've had a really bad go of it with a Honda, but its called "zealotry" if it involves Windows or Macs? Honestly - if YOU have had a bad Mac experience, i would be the LAST person to begrudge you if you didn't buy another one. Try me!

But if you actually go to the lengths of buying a new Windows computer because you're old one is so riddled with spyware/adware/viruses, that is the definition of Helsinki syndrome. And someone should talk these people out of their insanity.

But not me. I just don't care any more.

You like Windows and you bought it? Great for you. You like bull riding and like riding bulls? Great for you too.

What comes along with this "live and let live" mantra is that i don't have to care about your sob stories, your tales of woe, your missing drivers, or your broken arms. B'okay?

Using Macs means you'll spend a little more, get a lot more when you go to sell it, and there's less software choice (!= less good software.. i'll argue there's more good Mac software than Windows software in sheer numbers later).

Using Linux means you'll have to be able to get past the fact that no one can actually prononuce the best version of Linux, you'll be screwed when it comes to the number of people that can answer your questions in real life, and most will assume you're in your mom's basement with your computer with the cover off of it. You will be free of proprietary hitches, and that's a huge upside to Linux - and i think that's a really big deal and more people should take advantage of that fact.

Look, you bought it - you live with it. I don't care. There are a lot of situations in life where your decision will have a better than 50% chance of things going badly because you made that decision.

Windows is one of them. So stop acting like you're the victim. You're not. You, Windows user, are part of the problem.

(Unless you're a Special Olympian... man, those kids really try hard and you just have to give it to them for how great it is to see them working and achieving. So, you can feel bad if someone buys a Special Olympian kid a Windows computer - its not their fault.)

-tosj

ps: i was going to use NASCAR and Dale Earnhardt as my examples, but i don't own enough guns (yet) to make statements like that in the open.

Apple's hyping of the iPhone? Did i miss something?

If i read one more person write about the (undeserved, they claim) hype that Apple has generated about the iPhone who's going to kill themselves if they read one more story on the iPhone, i'm going to start taking down the whole internet.

Apple's hype machine can be described in one sentence:
A series of demos and commercials that show nothing more than a guy in a black shirt and blue jeans using the product.

And therefore, with that level of insane marketing and hype, Apple should be derided for the eventual failure and gotcha-scamming of millions of suckers that buy the things.

You are nucking futs.

Okay lets take the hype machine from the beginning to the end, eh?

1. The MWSF Stevenote:

it had to be done - the FCC announced it about 30 days after the Stevenote. And let me say that the Stevenote contained no semi-naked girlz or pop music or jumping up and down all sweaty yelling ZUNE ZUNE ZUNE! It was a 50-something bald guy with a phone wearing a black shirt and blue jeans showing people how it worked along with his demo monkey and the guy that designed it. He said he was proud of it and that Apple had been working on it for a few years.

2. The WWDC Stevenote:

people were throwing chairs at Apple over what happened. I'm not sure that on any planet, one could define THAT as hype.

3. The last two weeks:

They completed field testing, made some software tweaks, and finalized the specs based on real-world numbers that have been verified by half a dozen reviewers. Battery specs are hype? Really? They put out 4 videos showing a guy dressed as Steve Jobs USING the phone. NO music whatsoever. If that's hype, i wonder what the world would think of an arthritic cat dressed in a black shirt and blue jeans. The kids would SOOOOO want one. And you could see the cat on YouTube, i'm sure.

4. The web campaign:

they told people the rules for purchase, the costs of the plans, and provided a page to let people know if the store near them is sold out, to save them a trip driving up to Denver in the SoCal-like traffic of Denver.

Now - is there hype around this? Yes. But I submit that 99% of the hype and the reason for the anti-hype backlash is not Apple's fault.

My Proof?

Substitute Steve Jobs with Jergen Hansfrenblebimmonss and Apple with Noika and iPhone with N95 - and let me know if you think that there would be level of hype involved.

Oh wait... it didn't happen? Because the N95 is just more of the same badly designed crap that's been available from cell phone providers since the beginning.

The only hype apple has generated is that, like the iPod, they've made a device that, by all analysis, is what people WANT, rather than the crap that they're forced to choose from if they want a phone/music player/internet device. Yeah - there's a crime right there.

If Apple's campaign were any more understated or subdued on the topic of iPhone, you'd wonder if you'd have to be in a coma to use it.

c|net tool, Robert Vamosi

http://reviews.cnet.com/4520-3513_7-6743612-1.html?tag=bubbl_1

just give the guy his hit count and get it over with....

Mr Vamosi has a congenital defect that all cnet folks seem to have... they know nothing and are full of shit.

"When flaws are patched, Apple often does not acknowledge the researchers who actually brought the vulnerability to its attention."

now, i don't mean to disagree with a guy that gets paid to blog, but holy shit, here's a short sample of the OPPOSITE of what good ol Robbie has to say on the subject of Apple not giving acknowledgements or otherwise going after "security researchers" like Lit Cigarrette Maynor.

http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=305531
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=305530
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=305446
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=305391
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=305214
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=305215
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=305149
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=305102
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=304989
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=304829
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=304460
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=304357
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=304146
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=304063
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=303973
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=303737
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=303752
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=303658
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=303567
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=303453
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=303382
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=303290
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=303101
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=303072
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=302847
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=302848
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=302763
http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=302772

and that's just 10.4.10 - 10.4.3

if anyone cares to, feel free to look them up yourself...

http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=61798

what i want to know is why i can't get a bullshit job like this hack, and just post drivvel for a career.

Moron Syncing... or, Thanks for proving my point, Information Week!

In my last post, i explained why grown up Mac users want iPhones - because we're sick of syncing hell.

apparently, someone noticed this and wrote a long, drawn out example of what the hell i'm talking about..

This dude at Information Week pretty much proves my point - Mac users are completely second class citizens on the syncing front, or at least, all syncing methods for current smartphones are crap by Mac user standards (that is, we'd like them to work.)

Between my Nokia Symbian, my Blackberry, and my Treo, i've never gotten a smartphone to work with my Mac - and we stupidly have continued to throw money at the problem, hoping that the next guy will serve us properly. And i've spent well over $600 trying.

So, I'm going to give it one last try with the iPhone. But holy hell, if Apple can't do it, you can assume i'll never buy a smartphone again, and will just go back to carrying a SE brick and a laptop when i travel.

....

while i'm carrying on - i figured it would take SOME time for this to happen, but that it was both Enderle and "Lit Cigarette" Maynor just makes it all the sweeter.

Turns out, "we want an SDK to make iPhone apps! What security problem?" and "damnit, the iPhone is not secure!" is going to be the rallying cry of those apposed to the Butcher of Noika. The tag team FUD machines of Enderle and Maynor and have been quoted in the ever-increasingly-stupid Forbes magazine as saying "The more things a device does, the more vectors an attacker can use," he says. "With the iPhone, the initial barrier to finding vulnerabilities has been overcome because the browser has already been out there."

So thats it then... its not secure and its fine, lets put out an SDK. I wonder what would have happened if Apple had provided an SDK at the beginning and let anyone install anything on the phone? I suppose that Maynor would have shit himself in glee at how breakable the iPhone is. Like the other platform that runs OS X... the Mac.

Of course, since 99.999% of Mac users don't run anti-virus software or firewalls, and the same number of people have never had a problem, we'll take his advice and properly file it.

Its the Syncing, Stupid

I am a Mac user, and damnit, all us Mac users are going to wait in line and buy the damn iPhone as soon as we can for one, critical, and simple reason.

Would you like to be treated like a Chinese prisoner in Japan before the war?
Would you like to be treated like a black person in the south in the 50's?
Would you like to be treated like Salman Rushdie in Pakistan?

Of course not.

Then why do you think Mac users want to be treated like Mac users with smartphones for the last 7 years?

$500 is NOTHING compared to all the different phones Mac users have had to buy over the years looking for nirvana - where we could use a smartphone, get email, surf the suck-web, and make phone calls, all while having to either stupidly setup our "smart"phones by manually hacking in our address books, or even worse, using the "sewage-water for a dying man in a desert"-like software that was supposed to let us do those things automatically.

Honestly, Apple could have charged a thousand bucks for the damn thing, and most of the Mac users i know feel the same way. And the sick thing is... deep down inside, i still actually sit here and a part of me wonders...

will this phone actually sync properly with my Mac????

i know it sounds impossible... but having been let down time after time with

the PalmPilot/Treo
the Nokia Symbian phones
the Blackberry phones and their crazy-ass "get your software from out in left field" nonsense...

Mac users are terribly gunshy.

Motorola phones and SE phones, to be honest, sync fairly well with Macs - SonyEricsson being the best of the bunch. iSync and SE phones are pretty much stone-cold perfect.. of course, the downside to this is actually having to own a SE phone that makes you look like a continuously horny perv with the 3x4 inch bluge in your pocket. In Colorado, you have to actually get the state to issue you a licence to carry a SE phone because they're so fat and dense and heavy, they can be used as a deadly weapon were you to throw them at an on-coming attacker. My last SE phone, the W600i, was capable of pulling double duty as a cell phone and a Caterpillar chocking block.

Motorola phones, while being slim, simultaneously win the awards for "most peleolithic UI" and "most likely to be powered by a water wheel and a difference engine". To call them slow is to insult the great sidereal year as being annoyingly frenetic.

So, i can somewhat understand the problem faced by people that don't understand why anyone would want the iPhone - so let me sum it up.

Its thin, it looks reasonably good pulling phone duty, it will play my music and my movies that i have all stored on my Mac, and it will (hopefully) sync with Address Book.app, iCal.app, .Mac, and my stickes without me having to wonder "wtf is going to go wrong when i try to sync this damn thing?"

Of course, i'm a Mac user and i assume that the Windows software that comes with all those phones actually works.. but i have no proof of that. It could be that the Windows software blows as many donkeys as the Mac software that's out there... and the only reason that the Windows users aren't whining is because.. well...

we are talking about Windows users, aren't we?